February 20, 2012

Longing to Be Worthy: A Prayer From My Journal

Sometimes, when I just don’t know what else to do, when I don’t even know what I’m feeling, I journal. But these journal entries are not just words written on notebook paper; they are prayers from my heart to God’s.

Last Monday, I talked about how I handled rejection (and how I wanted to handle it), specifically in regards to my writing. But when I thought deeper about why such rejection can sting so much, this is what poured from my fingers onto the page. I pray it touches your spirit and reminds you that you aren’t alone.

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God, my heart feels worn out today, and for some reason, I just feel sad. Like I’m a failure. I know that’s a lie Satan whispers to my heart. Please, Lord, help me to replace the lies with Your Truth.

This writing dream—sometimes I get so impatient. I want to move quickly and learn and BOOM have an agent NOW and get published NOW. But so much of this process is about learning to rely on You, learning to trust You—learning that I can’t live a day without You.

But how often I forget that very thing.

It’s why I can so easily get depressed when I don’t get regular comments on my blog. I think, “Uh oh, do they see through me now? Do they think this post is dumb? That I don’t know what I’m talking about?”

Lord, when will I stop basing my self-worth on what others think of me and how others treat me?

When will I start to truly base my self-worth in being Your daughter, and not on what I do for a living?

On what I achieve?

On whether or not I ever get published?

Why do rejections have the ability to deflate my spirit? I don’t want them to.

Why do I base my self-worth on being pretty, or skinny, or stylish?

Why do I compare myself to others and think I’m not good enough?

I know this is not how I was meant to live.

You made me to live like a STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, VICTORIOUS Daughter of the King—something I don’t deserve one bit but a place of honor You’ve given me anyway.

Please keep reminding me that no matter what anyone says, You love me. I am Yours.

And that’s enough.

Your Turn: Have you ever based your self-worth on something other than being His? Have you ever used a prayer journal to get your thoughts out or just as a way to record your prayers?

14 comments:

  1. I fight thoughts like this daily. Daily! I think the key is in fighting them. Not believing the lies.

    I've gone through seasons of journaling and then seasons when I don't journal at all.
    ~ Wendy

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    1. You're so right, Wendy. First, we must recognize the lies. Then, we must choose to fight them! Fighting them with Scripture is my favorite! :)

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  2. Beautiful blog post, Lindsay, and yes, I absolutely OFTEN find myself basing my self-worth on the wrong things. It's like as soon as I think I've learned not to, I find myself doing it again. I don't journal too much these days - I wish I did because I know it can be incredibly cathartic. Maybe I can get back to it one of these days!

    Thanks for encouraging me with your post today! I hope it also encouraged you as you re-wrote your words... :)

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    1. It definitely encouraged me, Melissa. I love journaling too because I can look back to where I was and how far God has brought me since then. It's amazing to see how little faith I sometimes have, and how faithful he always is.

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  3. Wonderful thoughts for today, Lindsay.

    Oh yes, I used to base my self worth on my art work. So when it didn't sell or if someone critiqued it, I took it personally.

    It took years and a lot of prayer to realize that my self worth comes from above...from the eternal. I think when I started serving the Lord with my gifts, my talents came along for the ride!

    What are your spiritual gifts? How are you using them? Being used by God is what helped me realize I am not the Main Character of my life story. I am just a supporting character here to serve Him.

    Blessings,
    Ruth

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    1. "Being used by God is what helped me realize I am not the Main Character of my life story." I absolutely love this, Ruth! Perfect thoughts for a writer. :)

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  4. This is so real for me too. Ever since before the days of stellar kart's good, diminished fifth is better... It's way easier as a guy to stuff it and pretend you aren't struggling with self worth because it seems so weak. It seems so backwards that those who get tons of validation from others are often the ones who always "need more" in order to feel worth something. Maybe that's why child starlets are often the ones who go so far off the deep end - all they know is being "wonderful". Jason Gray's album A Way To See In the Dark has been such an encouragement in dealing with this issue. Thanks for this post.

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    1. Hmmm, I'll have to look at getting that album, then! It's so true...we're always looking for validation. We just have to make sure we're looking for it in the right place, and for the right things. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

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  5. Thanks for being so open and vulnerable, Lindsay. It's a daily struggle to accept ourselves, isn't it?

    I seem to go through stages of journaling. Right now I struggle to find time, and the Lord has shown me other ways to connect with Him. But I look forward to the day when I have a little more time to journal again. It's definitely cathartic!

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    1. Definitely, definitely cathartic! And yes, it's definitely a daily struggle. Like Wendy said, it's a fight, too--a daily one.

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  6. This is why I keep coming back to your blog, Lindsay -- because you share from your heart.

    And, yes, I've compared myself to too many other people ... and I always come up short. Isn't that the way it always is? One thing I've learned: Comparison isn't God's standard for us.

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    1. You're right, Beth. The only person we should try to emulate is Jesus. I really like that saying you shared on Facebook about how my journey is my journey...it's not meant to look like anyone else's.

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  7. Aw, Lindsay, I've seen you write this idea about "not deserving" your role in the Kingdom elsewhere, and I guess I just don't see how that thought could provide comfort in trusting that God unconditionally loves us. But I'm glad through your journaling process you were at last able to come to the conviction that your self-worth is in Him. Beautiful.

    Btw.. what a nice idea for a blog post. Have you always kept a journal? I have since I was 13, and it's funny, even though I often started it: "Dear Diary" or "Dear Journal," when I reread everything I poured onto the page back then (as 40-something year old now), I can clearly see that my entries were all prayers to God. I rest in knowing He heard me, no matter who I thought I was 'talking' to. :)

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    1. Hi Barb! Yes, I have been keeping a prayer journal for a long time now. It was especially helpful when I was going through really rough patches. And that's so cool that you can see yourself talking with God in your journal even when your head didn't know it!

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